The CACC
by Resident Nut Job and Midget from Your Nightmares
Summary: The CACC characters against character corruption have had enough. They are tired of their characters being wrongly twisted. So with a little help from a lawyer, they are fighting back!


**A/N: We're BAAAAAAAAAAAACK! And this time with another parody. Yes…the characters fight back! As always, review!**

**I would also like to take this opportunity to say that if you have not already read it, go read EquestrianBabe's 'Of Muggles and Coffee' it is just started but _very_ entertaining. Makes a totally unrealistic pairing seem likely. **

**Disclaimer:** Still don't own it…damn it!

* * *

It was a bright and sunny day at Hogwarts. Three friends merrily skipped across the grass. The grass was green, the sky was blue, the air was warm, and the birds were singing. 

And when I say singing, I mean they were really singing…

"Hit Me Baby One More Time…"

What? I never said that they were singing well…

Anyways, the friends were frolicking happily along. Hermione and Ron were making goo-goo eyes at each other (quite a difficult tasks when you are skipping at the same time) and of course, because it would totally ruin everything if he knew, Harry was painfully oblivious. Why? Well…erm…oh yeah! He was pining over Ginny!

But of course, because they were all so happy, something bad was going to happen. Back at the castle, in the tallest and conveniently the darkest tower, trouble was brewing.

"I shall kill Potter and then I will take over the world! MWAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA….

Two hours later:

HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA….

Surprisingly, no one heard it. Voldemort couldn't kill Harry, but he could make one helluva silencing charm. Snape was also there, on his hands and knees, groveling.

"Oh master. I love you master. I am a dark, ugly, mean, jerk face so of course I will betray everyone. Mwahahahaha!

"DON'T TAKE MY MWAHAHA's!" Screamed a very mad Voldemort.

"Oh yeah." Snape found it was never a good idea to mess with a crazy wizard. Especially when said wizard knew how to kill a person 28 ways (and in 20 languages). Yes, he was bi-lingual. He had actually won a Chinese-speaking contest in his youth. But then he had lost the Latin competition to James Potter. That, my friends, is the real reason Voldemort hated Harry. He had worked so hard for that! He studied and studied, and then some dude just waltzed in a stole that trophy! It was his DAMN IT! His! Voldemort fell down, sobbing.

"I wanted it so bad. Oh god, why oh why did he take it!" Snape didn't really know what Voldemort was talking about, but he comforted him all the same.

Draco was sexily brooding when he came in.

"I hate my Daddy!" He said crossly.

"Why?" Asked Snape.

"HE WOULDN'T BUY ME A PONY!" The other two looked at him.

"Huh?"

"Erm. I mean a fire bolt. Not a pony. I don't like ponies. Yucky!" He said, hiding his 'My Little Pony' folder in his cloaks. "And I don't want to join the dark side but my daddy made me. I really love Granger…wait! What the hell?" He had finally had enough. Authors had made him good, bad, gay, a slut, nice, angsty, misunderstood, in love with Hermione, pregnant, sexy, ugly and abused. Draco Malfoy had had enough.

"STOP TWISTING MY BLOODY PERFECT CHARACTER!" He screamed. "I AM NOT IN LOVE WITH HERMIONE, SNAPE, HARRY, RON, MY FATHER, MY MOTHER, VOLDEMORT, DUMBLEDORE HAGRID, PANSY, GINNY, CRABB, OR GOYLE. I LOVE ME, MYSELF, AND I!" Everyone just looked at him as he (once again) sexily started pouting (causing every female to swoon.)

"I never knew you were so brooding," giggled the girls. "That's hot!" A man in a sharp suit came out at that statement.

"Miss, I am here to inform you that the phrase 'that's hot' is a trademark of Miss Hiltons and using it can result in being sued by Miss Hilton.

By now, Harry, Ron, and Hermione had come in from frolicking about and were listening attentively to Draco's speech. They looked at each other.

"He's right!" Shouted Harry, much to everyone's surprise. "We are perfect the way we are, yet people on fanfiction go twisting us about!"

"Yeah! They keep making me a slutty looking girl who is in love with Malfoy. I AM NOT IN LOVE WITH MALFOY!" shouted Hermione. Harry nodded.

"Neither am I! I am also not a man whore who sleeps with my whole family, Dobby, and gets the fat lady pregnant." People turned in confusion to him at this point. Harry shrugged. "Some chick wrote that I got the fat lady pregnant and I resent that." The group gathered around them had grown considerably, so they marched down to the great hall to join the other characters. Ron was laughing terribly at Harry and Hermione.

"Ha-ha! At least they are nice to me in romances. They put me with Hermione or other pretty girls." It was then that a nervous looking girl walked up to him.

"Erm…that's not exactly accurate…" She mumbled, holding out a piece of paper. Ron took it and started reading. His eyes skimmed it for a while then stopped. They got wider and wider until…

"I DID WHAT WITH WHO?" His face was a brilliant red. Everyone looked at him.

"What did they write?"

"She made me snog Hagrid…AND LIKE IT! Ok, that's it. I say we start an opposition to this 'fanfiction.' We must band together and STOP THE CORRUPTION!" By now the whole castle had gathered around. Ron apparently was the leader of the group.

"We are perfect the way we are!"

"YEAH!" chorused the group.

"Hermione, are you in love with Draco?"

"NO!" She shouted.

"What about Snape and Voldemort." Her eyes widened.

"Someone wrote that?" Harry smirked at her.

"Actually, you and Snape are very popular." She glared at him.

"At least when I get pregnant, its natural and I am usually strait. You, on the other hand, get pregnant with Draco." Both Harry and Draco paled.

"WE MUST FIGHT BACK!" Screamed Ron. The whole castle agreed.

"Ok. Now what?" Asked Draco. They thought for a moment.

"A lawyer! We must get a lawyer to write a formal agreement to those sick fanfiction writers!" Hermione screamed.

"Alright! Follow me!" Ron led the huge group out, as they marched to find a lawyer.

* * *

Wizard Lawyer Marcus Bronsson had been in the wizarding business for a long time. He had represented some of the scariest clients, and had been threatened at wand point many times. He fancied himself a pretty good wizard, with an extensive knowledge on charms that could be used on angry clients. He thought that he had seen everything and that he could handle anything. 

He was very, very wrong.

It was a regular afternoon, and he was lounging in his chair when the group came in. His eyes bulged as the angry wizards and witches came marching in. It looked to be the whole student body of Hogwarts, plus many of the professors, and Voldemort himself. All of them had their wands out. And they all looked very, very angry. He gulped nervously as they crowded around him.

"Are you a lawyer?" Demanded a red headed boy.

"Y-y-yes." He stammered, nervously glancing around, desperately trying to find an exit. Much to his dismay, the group had blocked all of the exits.

"We need a lawyer. We are tired of people corrupting us on fanfiction and we feel that we need to inform the fanfiction writers that the CACC will take no more." The man looked at the boy.

"The CACC?"

"Characters against character corruption" piped up a bushy haired girl. A boy with black hair and a boy with blond hair both pulled out some money, handing it to him.

"This should cover it." Said the boy with blond hair. To scared to speak, Marcus Bronsson just pulled out a sheet of legal paper and a quill. The group then dictated what they wanted said to a terrified lawyer.

After many hours, they finished it. The final draft read:

_Dear Harry Potter fanfiction writers, _

_It has come to the attention of my clients that you are corrupting their characterization. They have thus formed the CACC (Characters against Character Corruption) and would like to inform you that they request that you stop your writing or they will be forced to take drastic action against you. They have asked me to relay the following sentiments from them to you:_

_Mr. Ron Weasley would like to stress that he is NOT gay, and he is NOT romantically attracted to Hagrid, Harry, or Draco. He would like to inform you that he is 100 strait and likes woman…only woman. _

_Mr. Harry Potter would like to voice his resentment of the author implying that he was a man whore attracted to everything, and that he got the fat lady pregnant. He would like to say that there is really no way to even impregnate a painting, and even if it could be done, he would not do it. He would also like to say that he does not find Dudley's piggish noises, his uncles pot belly, his aunts long neck, Dumbledore's beard, Dobey's lack of clothing, Draco Malfoy, or Severus Snape attractive in any way, shape, or form. He to is strait and happens to have good taste in women. _

_Miss Hermione Granger would like to say that she would not completely change her character and morals over the summer. She would never go to Hogwarts in slutty muggle clothing, and she is appalled at the mere suggestion. She also would like to say that there is no bloody way that she would be attracted to Snape, Draco, or Voldemort and whoever came up with those silly ideas obviously has a very very very sick mind and should not be allowed out into society (Mr. Weasley also adds that they should not be allowed to breed)_

_Mr. Draco Malfoy would like to take this opportunity to say that his hatred of Harry Potter does not in any way stem from his underlying sexual attraction. The same goes for Hermione, Ron, and everyone else. He would like to say that he is also not a man whore, nor is he abused, beaten, raped, etc. He also adds that he is not confused about where his loyalties lie; he is not struggling with himself in an inner battle. He requests that you stop giving him complicated layers, for he has none. He has no inner motives for his hatred of everyone, he is simply an asshole. He would like to make sure that it is known that he has no secret true love for anyone but himself. _

_Mr. Severus Snape would like to say that he would never sleep with a student, especially a Gryffindor. His hatred of Harry and Gryffindors in general also does not stem from a secret love for Harry, Harry's Mother, Father, Grandfather, Uncle twice removed, or owl. It also does not stem from the fact that he is really Harry's father. He has no children, and never will. He also says that he does not find Hermione sexy, and he does not secretly appreciate her. His opinion. Is, always has been, and will always be that she is an annoying know-it-all_

_Miss Pansy Parkinson would like to say that she does not appreciate being portrayed as a slut has slept with every male in the school, and who pines after Draco Malfoy. She would like to say that just because she is a Slytherin bitch, that does not make her a slut. She asks that authors stop portraying her as such, for she finds it very insulting. _

_Mr. Albus Dumbledore has briefly come back from the dead to say that he is dead, and he does not see every little thing going on in his school. He does not know that two people are in love before they do, for he is no mind reader. He also would like to say that he does NOT know where everyone's true loyalties lie before they do. If he had, he says that he would not be dead. _

_Mr. Voldemort says that he is not a heartless bastard, just misunderstood. He claims that his hatred for Harry Potter does not stem from the fact that Harry is really his child. It stems from the fact the Mr. James Potter beat him in the Latin competition so many years ago. _

_The following sentiments are shared by most of the other members of the CACC. They are giving you this one warning to stop the madness before they are forced to do something drastic. _

_As their legal advisor, I feel the obligation to tell you that I strongly suggest heeding their warning. The group is large and powerful and angry, and is on the verge of violence. _

_I would also like to take this opportunity to inform the community that I am quitting the business of law. This is it, I am officially scared of my job and no longer feel secure with life._

_Thank you for your time. We will be expecting a reply as soon as possible. _

_Sincerely, _

_Mr. Marcus Bronsson_

_Bronsson Law Offices_

'_Caring for your lawful needs since 1974'_

Ron smiled as he read the letter out loud.

"Now what?" He asked the nervous lawyer.

"We wait for a reply." Came the answer.

"Alright. Now we wait! So someone needs to get food and water, someone put a charm on this place and give us more room!" Shouted Hermione. Marcus looked at the group in horror.

"You're not planning on staying here, are you?"

"Where else would we stay?" Asked Ron. Marcus let his head fall to his desk as the CACC took over his office.

Why hadn't he become a cop? Or an auror? Or a clown? Or even a garbage man? Anything but a lawyer. He sighed. It was going to be a long night.

* * *

**A/N: hm…Seriously thinking about adding another chapter with our replies. Any ideas? Give 'em to me in a review!**


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